This isn't the first blog posting I've made. In fact I have started and not stuck with two other blogs. The first was a blog to convince myself and others that I was "Single... and LOVING it". Only miserably lonely single people have to try to convince others of that. If you have a friend who is blogging about how fantastic their single life is, and trying very hard to convince everyone of that fact, he or she is probably to the point where they will allow blind date set-ups from their mom and grandma and there is a good chance that they are waiting for a special free weekend to try E-Harmony. My second blog was when I was weeks into my current long term relationship. I was deliriously happy (*see "Single and LOVING it") to FINALLY be in a relationship. Not to mention that this one had actually ended up my keeper, but he pretty much could have been a transsexual hooker that made me pay it's bills and mule drugs for it... and I probably still could have found something fantastic to brag about. (*again... see "Single and LOVING it") Please note here that he was none of those things, but most importantly I never once had to pay his bills. I think that single girl may have gotten three postings before I gave up. New relationship girl gave up after two. Here's the thing though, each of those blogs were temporary life stages that I was more worried about what everyone else thought. I was worried about not following through on this blog. This time, however, I am blogging for me. To get my ideas and thoughts, my worries and fears out of my head. To confront them head on and out in the open. My plan is to post a bit then do the scariest thing of all. Invite others that I know (ie. Facebook "friends") to be a part of this journey.
Now, you may ask. Why thee BarrenNess? Then you may wonder. Do you know it's spelled wrong? Then you may also wonder. Do you realize that the second N should not be capitalized? And my answer is simple and yet, so incredibly complicated. Secondly, I do realize it's spelled wrong and thirdly, back off, if I knew it was spelled wrong so I obviously know not to capitalize the middle of a word. And firstly, A baroness is a form of royalty of some sort... well, technically they don't have to be royalty, but for my own sake I think of a baroness as, well, a step down from a princess. To me, the Baroness gets pretty much everything a princess does, she has a blessed childhood, a fairy Godmother, a Baron Charming, maybe even a wicked stepfather and a wealth of villains and amazing magical characters around her, she just is missing a piece of the happily ever after that a princess gets. The spelling of baron as barren also refers to a woman that is infertile. And so begins my fairy tale story. I have all the pieces except I have also been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. I will go into further medical details sometime, but for now that just means no biological offspring.
For some people they don't understand my heartache because kids are disgusting, needy, little monsters. I do see that more as everyone around me seems to reproduce like rabbits, possibly seeing the little ones as life sucking monsters is a coping mechanism. Some people try to tell me it's okay by saying that I am somehow better off or that we at least have each other. Some people offer suggestions like, Oh no big deal you can always adopt. Er. No big deal? It's not a big deal that I can't make my own child? That I have to raise someone elses child and just make do? Don't get me wrong, adoption is fantastic but no infertile lady wants to be told that their situation is no big deal and easily replaceable. Would someone tell the mother of a four year old that died, no big deal, there are lots of four year olds that need adopting?! NO! Let us grieve our loss without your suggestions to make it okay. That is what it is, people don't see that we need to grieve in our infertility as we need to grieve for a lost child. We have lost our children. The little girl that we envisioned with my smile and his eyes that takes ballet on Tuesdays and insists on only wearing pink ballet shoes that are bedazzled in sequins. Gone. The little guy with my dimple and his button nose that lives to be on the sailboat fishing with dad and won't leave the house without his captains hat. Gone. I don't think a day will come where I could be okay with it, I will learn to live with it like someone who may learn to live without a leg or arm. It's always there. You are constantly bombarded with what you can't have or do. It's been a few years that I have known now, and I am just starting to feel like maybe I will be okay. There are still days though, that I have to mourn the loss of my children, that I cry, I miss them, my heart seems to break all over again and I have only answerless questions. Those days are fewer and farther between, but they still happen.
Why now? Well, I think that I am ready to blog about this. I think I am finally okay enough with it to be able to express how I feel. I also think that it's important to get it out. To let others know they aren't alone in how you feel. Also, just to be able to blog about my life, the good, the bad. I think all the time that I wonder what other people think about __________? Why not put those questions out there and find out! If I have learned one thing from my inability to reproduce it is that life is short. Too incredibly short. Things don't always go your way (hence, I am not a billionaire with a houseful of kids) but you have to learn to find happiness in every day, otherwise that is a waste of one of the few days you are allotted on this Earth. So I'm going to blog, I'm going to share with you my daily frustrations and happiness. I hope I can bring some happiness to someone but most days just myself will do.
Also, this blog is just about my life in general. I am SO much more than barren. There are so many other pieces to my fairy tale that I want to share. Like recipes, especially for desserts. Also, adventures on the Harley or Sailboat!! My Baron Charming and I like adventure when it's nice enough, in the winter we are shut-in homebodies. Speaking of homebodies we are fixing up our house right now to decide if we love it or wanna list it (heck yeah we were inspired by that HGTV show). So DIY home improvements and DIY crafts will be aplenty here in my little corner of the web. If we decide to sell than you get to join us in another adventure of buying our dream property and building (ourselves.. EEK) our dream house, then turning that house into a home. We also have our "children" that will make the page often, Beuford Wilson Price and Miss Madilyn Alayne. Beuford is a Mastiff... a very NAUGHTY Mastiff. Madilyn is a gorgeous little grey tabby who is obsessed with her dogs every move. She almost always has a fresh swipe of his drool matted to her pretty little head. It's disgusting. Also, I am an Auntie, which is the most amazing gift a sibling will ever give you. The chance to be a parent but only having to enjoy the fun parts, no potty training, no punishing, no hard talks, just sleepovers, special trips, birthdays and fun. Okay, maybe that isn't completely true, but you do get a chance to spoil the little buggers and love the heck outta them, then send them back to their parents once the sugar kicks in!!
Well, I hope after this intro you have decided that you are intrigued enough to read more. I realize that pictures are WAY more fun than just a bunch of words, and I promise to include many more pictures. In fact one a day if I can manage to stick with the picture challenge that I am starting tomorrow! Today however, I decided not to attach a picture of my blocked ovaries but as I post more there will be more pictures! Stick with me, I'm fun.
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